:( SAD

In October of 2011 we found out we are infertile. In June of 2013 I got my first positive pregnancy test. In July of 2013 I go my period. I took another test and it was negative. I was not pregnant it was a false positive. I never told Marc that I had a positive test and I am very glad that I didn't. Last Sunday Marc and I went to out new ward. I felt extremely out of place. Every couple there except for us and two other couples had many children. I was extremely upset and went home early. I feel like I should go back to the new ward this Sunday but I do not want to put myself in a position of being upset if I don't have to. I feel like I need to know that I can do it and be around happy families without feeling like crap.

Infertility in the Mormon Church

I recently read a blog about a woman's fight with infertility and being a part of the Mormon Church. She said she felt like an outcast and that no one would talk to her of sit by her. She even said that she was told by the bishop that she was not worthy to go to the temple because she was married with no children for 13 years. After reading this blog I felt horrible. I have never been treated like that and when I found out I was infertile I told my bishop, RS president, and my visiting home teachers. I have been very open with my disease. In my  ward every one still treats me with kindness and respect. The bishop placed me in the nursery and I truthfully love it in there. Though I still get the "when are you going to have one of your own?" questions they are easy to answer I simply say me and my husband are struggling with infertility and they normally say they will pray for me, I give them a simple thank you and walk away. For any women that the people in the Church or the writings of the Church has made feel like you can't belong of that they don't want you, I'm Sorry. My ward has some of my most amazing supporters in it. If I ever need someone to talk to I know many sisters that I can turn to. Reading about how this woman felt alone in the church broke my heart.

What I wrote for school on PCOS

My paper for school. The last paragraph made me cry as I was typing it. I am so blessed to have my family for suport.

The reproductive system in males consists of the testes, ducts, urethra, seminal vesicles, prostate gland, bulbourethral glands, scrotum, and penis. Testes are small ovoid organs, each about 4-5 cm long, with in the scrotum. The urethra is about 20 cm long and extends from the urinary bladder to the distal end of the penis. The penis is the male organ of copulation through which sperm cells are transferred from the male to the female. The prostate gland is about the size and shape of a walnut.

            The reproductive system in females consists of the ovaries, uterine tubes, uterus, vagina, external genital organs, and mammary glands. The ovaries are small organs attached to the posterior surface of the broad ligament by a peritoneal fold called the mesovarium meaning mesentery of the ovary. The uterine tubes are also called the fallopian tubes or oviducts. They are on each side of the uterus and each attached to the ovary. The vagina is a tube about 10 cm long that extends from the uterus to the outside of the body. The vagina is the female organ of copulation its function is to receive the penis during intercourse it also allows menstrual flow and childbirth. As I am typing this it is making me not want children naturally I cannot believe that a baby can come out of such a small opening.

            The disease I have chosen to write about is Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome also known as PCOS. PCOS is an endocrine condition that is sometimes seen in women of childbearing age who have difficulty getting pregnant. The reason why I wanted to write about PCOS is because I was diagnosed with it in 2010 and my sister was diagnosed with it in 2005. PCOS generally runs in sisters and cousins, meaning that even if your mother has it you will have a chance of not getting it. PCOS affects the female reproductive system as a whole. PCOS is some cases cause the female not to ovulate in return affecting the ovaries, uterus, and uterine tubes. I am not saying that PCOS does not affect men; it affects them emotionally more than physically.

High levels of testosterone can lead PCOS.  Women with PCOS have symptoms similar to those produced by high testosterone levels. They include: obesity, excessive or thinning hair growth, acne, menstrual irregularity. In my case I do not ovulate causing my ovaries to be covered by cysts and I do not get a menstrual flow. PCOS is associated with: higher levels of circulating male hormones, insulin resistance, carbohydrate intolerance, high LDL (bad) cholesterol, high blood pressure. My testosterone level is much higher than my estrogen level, which can make it very hard to keep a handle on my emotions do to the estrogen I need to put in my body.

The medications used to help with PCOS are the following.  Metformin (Glucophage) is a treatment for controlling insulin, blood sugar levels, and androgen levels. Clomiphene citrate (Clomid, Serophene) can be combined with metformin if metformin has not triggered ovulation. Combining the two treatments can make it more likely that clomiphene will work. Medroxyprogesterone (Provera) is used to treat conditions such as absent or irregular menstrual periods, or abnormal uterine bleeding. Most doctors with prescribe Provera so the patient will a menstrual flow so they can begin taking Clomid and Metformin on day five of the menstrual flow.

In my personal experience PCOS causes extreme cramps, hot flashes, excessive unwanted hair growth and the worst of it all infertility. I believe infertility should not be a subject taken lightly. Infertility is a major disease that will affect more than just the reproductive system. Sometimes I will randomly start crying because eyes of a women fighting for life, not her own life but for the life of her unborn children. my hormones are so out of control. Every time I go into a Wal-Mart bakery I start crying at the fact that it is my fault that my husband cannot have a son or daughter. Being infertile and fighting with all my might against PCOS is a daily struggle. PCOS is not a disease that can be seen on the surface but it can be seen in the eyes of a women fight for a life, not her own life but the life of her unborn children.

Infertility!!!!!!

I will be writing a paper in school about my fertility problems. I'm excited to speak about it to my class mates. I have gone through a lot with infertility; the ups, the down, the wants, the needs, the tears, and the fights. My husband always tells me he does not want kids to make me feel better. I hear his family ask about kids and he just says we do not want them yet. I always feel like its my fault we do not have a child. I feel at blame. A few days after the doctor told be I was infertile I got a blessing in my church. I was told in this blessing that I will have as many children as I want and that my husband will care for and help many children. I feel like the blessing was there to comfort me in a time of need but it holds no truth to me now. I put all my hope into the words of a man that does not even know my name. Yes I am questioning my church and the message behind it. I feel like God would not give my husband and I such heart ache when he gives others such joy. When a mother tells me how much she hopes that her second child is not such a screw up it makes me wonder why? I never get an answer to the questions I ask and I do not get the support from the supposed people that love me. I am lossing faith in my fight to have the family I want.

My down spiral!!!!

So lately I have been having a tough time with dealing. Last night I got drunk and text an ex boyfriend. My husband was really mad and hasn't talked to me. When I woke up this morning I was very low and angry so I cut myself to feel better. I thought of ending my life and I kinda tried. I have been very depressed and angry as myself lately. Something in my head is telling me everything would be better if I wasn't around and I believe it is true. My husband told me to delete my facebook which I did. He said all the bad thoughts and feeling are because of facebook. But now I feel alone. Like I have no one and nothing but school. School has also been hard. I decided I would work ahead and now people are making fun of me for it because I am so far ahead. Saying I'm a kiss ass and a brown noser. I don't get it I wanted to go ahead because I understood it and wanted to get it over with. I can never do anything right and I get overwhelmed and I break down. I feel broken, usless, and alone. I'm looking in to getting help but my husband doesn't think it would help, but I feel like I need it. This is me lossing it but hopefully I can keep it together.

Cruise

Pictures from the cruise. you can just see how happy we are

Christmas

So this Christmas has by far been the worst.

Cory and I celebrated Christmas on the cruise ship the begging of the month so we had a great time.

When Cory got home this year his family were telling me how they think he needs help for his drinking. My husband drink 3-4 days a month and only about 2-4 beers a day. I do not see that as a drinking problem. Everything turned for the worse when Cory told me that he no longer wants children because he doesn't want to be like his father. We were fighting so we left the house to talk about it privately. The next day (Christmas Eve) his sister asked me about the fight and said that I was in the wrong for swearing in front of our four year old nephew. If it is such a problem maybe I shouldn't be watching him anymore. My husband and I told her it was none of her businesses what we were fighting about. Then this morning the family was getting ready to go to Utah. Cory and I decided not to go so we could spend Christmas together and we are both angry with some of his family members and did not wish to spend three hours in a car with people we did not want to talk to. Cory's youngest sister brought up how Cory and I are trying to get pregnant because I'm jealous of my sister having a baby. I got very upset and went to my room crying. I am jealous that my sister has a child and I don't but that is not the full reason why I got so upset. Cory and I had a plan that when I finished school in a year we would start fertility treatments and hopefully get pregnant. It was extremely upsetting when he told me the day before Christmas Eve that he would not want to be a father or ever have children. My sister in law bringing up us having children really upset me and my husband handled it for now. I know it will happen again and I know I will become upset again so Cory has already told me that when we move out we may end up cutting some of them out of our lives. I'm fine with that. I grew up not speaking to my fathers family so I believe it will be fine to cut some people out. Now that the family is gone and Cory's friend is over I'm calmer and in a happier place. My husband does not have a drinking problem and we are both happy and healthy with our lives now. We are still working on the child issue but it is a private matter that we will deal with as so. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year