:( SAD

In October of 2011 we found out we are infertile. In June of 2013 I got my first positive pregnancy test. In July of 2013 I go my period. I took another test and it was negative. I was not pregnant it was a false positive. I never told Marc that I had a positive test and I am very glad that I didn't. Last Sunday Marc and I went to out new ward. I felt extremely out of place. Every couple there except for us and two other couples had many children. I was extremely upset and went home early. I feel like I should go back to the new ward this Sunday but I do not want to put myself in a position of being upset if I don't have to. I feel like I need to know that I can do it and be around happy families without feeling like crap.

Infertility in the Mormon Church

I recently read a blog about a woman's fight with infertility and being a part of the Mormon Church. She said she felt like an outcast and that no one would talk to her of sit by her. She even said that she was told by the bishop that she was not worthy to go to the temple because she was married with no children for 13 years. After reading this blog I felt horrible. I have never been treated like that and when I found out I was infertile I told my bishop, RS president, and my visiting home teachers. I have been very open with my disease. In my  ward every one still treats me with kindness and respect. The bishop placed me in the nursery and I truthfully love it in there. Though I still get the "when are you going to have one of your own?" questions they are easy to answer I simply say me and my husband are struggling with infertility and they normally say they will pray for me, I give them a simple thank you and walk away. For any women that the people in the Church or the writings of the Church has made feel like you can't belong of that they don't want you, I'm Sorry. My ward has some of my most amazing supporters in it. If I ever need someone to talk to I know many sisters that I can turn to. Reading about how this woman felt alone in the church broke my heart.

What I wrote for school on PCOS

My paper for school. The last paragraph made me cry as I was typing it. I am so blessed to have my family for suport.

The reproductive system in males consists of the testes, ducts, urethra, seminal vesicles, prostate gland, bulbourethral glands, scrotum, and penis. Testes are small ovoid organs, each about 4-5 cm long, with in the scrotum. The urethra is about 20 cm long and extends from the urinary bladder to the distal end of the penis. The penis is the male organ of copulation through which sperm cells are transferred from the male to the female. The prostate gland is about the size and shape of a walnut.

            The reproductive system in females consists of the ovaries, uterine tubes, uterus, vagina, external genital organs, and mammary glands. The ovaries are small organs attached to the posterior surface of the broad ligament by a peritoneal fold called the mesovarium meaning mesentery of the ovary. The uterine tubes are also called the fallopian tubes or oviducts. They are on each side of the uterus and each attached to the ovary. The vagina is a tube about 10 cm long that extends from the uterus to the outside of the body. The vagina is the female organ of copulation its function is to receive the penis during intercourse it also allows menstrual flow and childbirth. As I am typing this it is making me not want children naturally I cannot believe that a baby can come out of such a small opening.

            The disease I have chosen to write about is Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome also known as PCOS. PCOS is an endocrine condition that is sometimes seen in women of childbearing age who have difficulty getting pregnant. The reason why I wanted to write about PCOS is because I was diagnosed with it in 2010 and my sister was diagnosed with it in 2005. PCOS generally runs in sisters and cousins, meaning that even if your mother has it you will have a chance of not getting it. PCOS affects the female reproductive system as a whole. PCOS is some cases cause the female not to ovulate in return affecting the ovaries, uterus, and uterine tubes. I am not saying that PCOS does not affect men; it affects them emotionally more than physically.

High levels of testosterone can lead PCOS.  Women with PCOS have symptoms similar to those produced by high testosterone levels. They include: obesity, excessive or thinning hair growth, acne, menstrual irregularity. In my case I do not ovulate causing my ovaries to be covered by cysts and I do not get a menstrual flow. PCOS is associated with: higher levels of circulating male hormones, insulin resistance, carbohydrate intolerance, high LDL (bad) cholesterol, high blood pressure. My testosterone level is much higher than my estrogen level, which can make it very hard to keep a handle on my emotions do to the estrogen I need to put in my body.

The medications used to help with PCOS are the following.  Metformin (Glucophage) is a treatment for controlling insulin, blood sugar levels, and androgen levels. Clomiphene citrate (Clomid, Serophene) can be combined with metformin if metformin has not triggered ovulation. Combining the two treatments can make it more likely that clomiphene will work. Medroxyprogesterone (Provera) is used to treat conditions such as absent or irregular menstrual periods, or abnormal uterine bleeding. Most doctors with prescribe Provera so the patient will a menstrual flow so they can begin taking Clomid and Metformin on day five of the menstrual flow.

In my personal experience PCOS causes extreme cramps, hot flashes, excessive unwanted hair growth and the worst of it all infertility. I believe infertility should not be a subject taken lightly. Infertility is a major disease that will affect more than just the reproductive system. Sometimes I will randomly start crying because eyes of a women fighting for life, not her own life but for the life of her unborn children. my hormones are so out of control. Every time I go into a Wal-Mart bakery I start crying at the fact that it is my fault that my husband cannot have a son or daughter. Being infertile and fighting with all my might against PCOS is a daily struggle. PCOS is not a disease that can be seen on the surface but it can be seen in the eyes of a women fight for a life, not her own life but the life of her unborn children.

Infertility!!!!!!

I will be writing a paper in school about my fertility problems. I'm excited to speak about it to my class mates. I have gone through a lot with infertility; the ups, the down, the wants, the needs, the tears, and the fights. My husband always tells me he does not want kids to make me feel better. I hear his family ask about kids and he just says we do not want them yet. I always feel like its my fault we do not have a child. I feel at blame. A few days after the doctor told be I was infertile I got a blessing in my church. I was told in this blessing that I will have as many children as I want and that my husband will care for and help many children. I feel like the blessing was there to comfort me in a time of need but it holds no truth to me now. I put all my hope into the words of a man that does not even know my name. Yes I am questioning my church and the message behind it. I feel like God would not give my husband and I such heart ache when he gives others such joy. When a mother tells me how much she hopes that her second child is not such a screw up it makes me wonder why? I never get an answer to the questions I ask and I do not get the support from the supposed people that love me. I am lossing faith in my fight to have the family I want.

My down spiral!!!!

So lately I have been having a tough time with dealing. Last night I got drunk and text an ex boyfriend. My husband was really mad and hasn't talked to me. When I woke up this morning I was very low and angry so I cut myself to feel better. I thought of ending my life and I kinda tried. I have been very depressed and angry as myself lately. Something in my head is telling me everything would be better if I wasn't around and I believe it is true. My husband told me to delete my facebook which I did. He said all the bad thoughts and feeling are because of facebook. But now I feel alone. Like I have no one and nothing but school. School has also been hard. I decided I would work ahead and now people are making fun of me for it because I am so far ahead. Saying I'm a kiss ass and a brown noser. I don't get it I wanted to go ahead because I understood it and wanted to get it over with. I can never do anything right and I get overwhelmed and I break down. I feel broken, usless, and alone. I'm looking in to getting help but my husband doesn't think it would help, but I feel like I need it. This is me lossing it but hopefully I can keep it together.

Cruise

Pictures from the cruise. you can just see how happy we are

Christmas

So this Christmas has by far been the worst.

Cory and I celebrated Christmas on the cruise ship the begging of the month so we had a great time.

When Cory got home this year his family were telling me how they think he needs help for his drinking. My husband drink 3-4 days a month and only about 2-4 beers a day. I do not see that as a drinking problem. Everything turned for the worse when Cory told me that he no longer wants children because he doesn't want to be like his father. We were fighting so we left the house to talk about it privately. The next day (Christmas Eve) his sister asked me about the fight and said that I was in the wrong for swearing in front of our four year old nephew. If it is such a problem maybe I shouldn't be watching him anymore. My husband and I told her it was none of her businesses what we were fighting about. Then this morning the family was getting ready to go to Utah. Cory and I decided not to go so we could spend Christmas together and we are both angry with some of his family members and did not wish to spend three hours in a car with people we did not want to talk to. Cory's youngest sister brought up how Cory and I are trying to get pregnant because I'm jealous of my sister having a baby. I got very upset and went to my room crying. I am jealous that my sister has a child and I don't but that is not the full reason why I got so upset. Cory and I had a plan that when I finished school in a year we would start fertility treatments and hopefully get pregnant. It was extremely upsetting when he told me the day before Christmas Eve that he would not want to be a father or ever have children. My sister in law bringing up us having children really upset me and my husband handled it for now. I know it will happen again and I know I will become upset again so Cory has already told me that when we move out we may end up cutting some of them out of our lives. I'm fine with that. I grew up not speaking to my fathers family so I believe it will be fine to cut some people out. Now that the family is gone and Cory's friend is over I'm calmer and in a happier place. My husband does not have a drinking problem and we are both happy and healthy with our lives now. We are still working on the child issue but it is a private matter that we will deal with as so. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving and I am very thankful for a lot in my life but today has been horriable. First off my sister in law should not be bringing up how much I want a baby and how I have been struggleing with a fake pregnancy. I am having a very tough time and she is not helping. Then my nephew comes down stairs in the same clothes I put him in on Tuesday like realy you couldn't change your son or give him a bath. I was the last one to give him a bath and that was on Monday. You are a horriable mother. I'm thankful that my husband could be home but I'm still mad that he told his sister about my pregnancy symtems. I don't want to and I shouldn't have to deal with this. I am not a mother even tho I would like to be so I shouldn't have to take care of your child. I am not a slave and should not be treated like one. I can't wait for today to be over.

Future

I never thought I would be happy to say that I got my period. The first thing that came to mind when I saw the blood was Oh I might ovulate this month. We are hoping to get pregnant before April so we can have a winter baby. We have had no luck but we don't want to start the fertility drugs. We know that God wants us to get pregnant. I was given a calling in my church to teach nursery. I know in my heart that it was God telling me it is time for us to get pregnant. We are extremely excited to welcome our new niece and nephew in the next month. We are so blessed to have so many young children in our family already but we feel like it is our turn to be blessed with our own bundles of joy. It is hard to tell anyone because my husbands family have such an easy time getting pregnant that they don't understand it is very hard when your own body is not helping. I'm going to speak with my OB in two weeks about getting more blood work done. Which if you know me is not an easy thing. I don't like talking to people about my problem or if I do I lie and say that I'm happy or fine with it, but I'm not. Cory wants a child and I always feel like its my fault he doesn't have any children yet. We are on the positive side of things though and it will only get better.    

grr this totally made me mad

so i was on this site called soulcysters.net well i logged on today cuz ive been feeling down and the ppl in charge of it banned me from posting anything like wtf they didnt even say why i was banned like fuck off im not in the mood to be nice and deal with it. i think its dumb cuz i always went on there to see if anyone has ever gone through what i did but now i cant like grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

14 Years

So it has been 14 years since my dad passed. I've been thinking about him a lot lately. I have a wonderful mother who has made growing up with out a dad easy. I miss him every day. Having my father in law is a constant reminder of not growing up with a dad. It sucks sometimes not knowing a lot about him but sometimes its a good thing because I don't know the bad or the good. I wish Cory was here to make me feel better but he isn't so it sucks....

I'm proud

When Cory and I first found out I had PCOS we only told family and I was ashamed to tell other people. I saw it as something was wrong with me. Now I am fine with telling people and it does not bother me. Sometimes when I see people who just had babies or who are pregnant I do get a little upset but not very much anymore. Many people in my life are pregnant or having babies right now and I'm so happy for them. I wish I could be pregnant and Cory and I are trying but its hard because we dont have the support that most people have. Cory's family supports us in trying and so does my sister and brother in law. But my mother and grandparents tell me I am to young to start trying and that we need to wait. My doctor recently told me that the longer we wait the less chance of getting pregnant I have. It was a very hard choice to make and my family doesn't understand that Cory and I have talked about it and we are adult and can choice what to do about our family and our future. Our future depends on the two months I plan to spend on the truck with Cory. If I like it our plans for a family will be put on hold for a couple of years. If I do not like it I will stay with my in laws and begin taking the fertility drugs and go to school. We are not positive which path we will take but we do know that no matter what we will have a family with in three years and we will stick together no matter what. I think that because my mothers marriage ended after she had me that she thinks once I start having kids Cory and I will be over. My family is the most important thing to me and my family is me and Cory right now I would love to add more but if we can not for awhile then we will deal with it but for now we are strong and I am fighting.

Brianna

I don't think I tell my sister enough how much of a hero she is to me. I love her and look up to her so much. When I found out I had PCOS she was the only one I could talk to. I tell her everything. She is the strongest and sweetest person I know. We fought as kids and grown to be friends. I love her and wish her the best of luck on her pregnancy. I know she will be the best mother to her child.

This week has been very strange

So it started with my husband being home Monday and Tuesday. He left Wednesday and for the first time I didn't cry. Then Thursday I went to a new OB went really good found out some new things and I really liked him. Now on to Friday first I have to tell you, on Monday I started facebook messaging my cousin on my dads side Ricky I have never met him and didn't even know of him till I asked my mom, Friday we talked on the phone and to my suprise he feels the same way about Dick and Lola (my fathers dad and step mom) as I do. He has also been looking up the family just like I have. I learned some things that I never knew and I'm glad I talked to him. Cory and I have decided that we are going to start trying to get pregnant. I booked a bus ticket to OK to see my sister in law and her kids. Its been a very good week but it has also been kinda strange. I'm going to the doctor on Monday to get my ingrown toe nails fixed and I'm not even the scared because its just three little needles and then no pain ever again. Even though I'm super afraid of needles I can do this. I know my life isn't perfect but its alot better then it could of been. Thinking and talking about my dad today wasn't hard at all I feel like I'm finally coming to peace about him not being in my life. I think my life would be a lot different if he lived. I'm glad I have my husband for support even if he can't be here all the time. I know I'm loved and no matter what I do or say I will always have people who care about me and want me to be happy. So thats what I'm going to do. I'm just going to be happy! :)

PCOS

So I found out I have PCOS on Oct 26, 2011. I've been having a hard time with it. One of my sister in laws just had a handsome little boy and my other sister in law is pregnant. I'm not saying I want a baby right now because me and Cory are not ready for a baby. But I would rather now that I can get pregnant any time I want to. Not that I need to be on fertility pills and treatments for the rest of my life to keep my hormones balanced. I put on a good happy face around my in laws because I am happy that my sister in law just had a baby and that the other one is pregnant. But like why cant I have that option and I dont need people telling me to relax or loss weight. I'm happy how I am I just wish I didn't have PCOS. Because its not fun to have periods with a mind of there own. And it sucks that I can grow fecal hair if my hormones freak out. I can't loss weight without a doctors help because of the PCOS. And no matter what people tell me I don't think that if I get a blessing and pray to God I'll be able to get pregnant no problem. And I love my family to death but come on I really don't want you to tell me that you don't think I have PCOS. Cory was in the doctors room with me when she told me and he still believes its all in my head. Like blood test don't lie you idiot. If you don't believe that I have PCOS that's fine but keep your opinions to your self. Every time I get my period I cry and its not even because I want to be pregnant. But with the PCOS and the depression I constantly cry when I'm on my period and all Cory does is act like its not a big deal and that I can deal with it. He isn't even home any more and it just makes the depression worse that he isn't home but every time I tell him he laughs and says I just need to relax. I feel like I have no support and it really sucks. I really needed to get this all out and I have no one to talk to because I feel like no one understands how I'm feeling.

Being a Wife

So Im 19. Im married and my sister in law is prego. Im super happy with my husband and i love being a housewife. i clean and cook and keep my husband happy but inside im so fucking mad. my sister in law is prego and im pissed they have only been together for 6 months so i dont think she should be prego and im so sick of hearing about it. i love her and im happy for her but gosh shut the f up. And my mother in law called me a slut and bought me new clothes cuz she hated what i was wearing like f off your not my husband. but all of a sudden cory hates that i show off my boobs or that other girls do. he never cared before. living with my young sister in law is hell she is a bitch and she thinks she is the best she is so fing annoying like f off i clean up after you show some respect. my husband says i should stop cleaning up after everyone but i have to clean or his mom is going to want us to pay rent like i fing moved in with them so we didnt have to pay rent but of course i need to clean this big house all by myself cuz im the wife. i love being a wife im just not big on the in laws

The wonders of the court !RIGHT!

Well to begin with I had my vagina Doctors apoints ment today, NOT pregnet so it went well BUT it fucking hurts. Then we had to go to the court house because my StupiD boy friend hit a car, and let me tell you what thats not the only thing he hit. Today he hit a brick wall trying to part his car at the court. I know Right, and how did you get your licence. After that there was a line in the Freezing cold Las Vegas weather that went down the courts stairs out to the side walk and started to go down the side walk. We spent a good 10-15 miutes there. and after we got to the (who the hell is bringing a bomb or wepons into the court house metal detector) my boyfriends stuff and mine falls in it and the officer starts yelling at me if you put it in the long way that wouldent have to happen. So YEA a great Fucking time so far, then we have to wait in another line about another 30 minutes after that we got called up the counter where we dident even have the right Documents so we couldent even do anything there (Fucking cops that tell you that you need to bring registration to the court and the ticket will be removed but no they tell you its the car insurance) O and btw My Boy friend that is so smart he doesnt even have his insurance card in his vehical. After he was talking on the phone for what seemed like a day and a half i was sitting on the rock hard seats he tells me we need to go across the street to have it faxed to use. $2.50 Later we have the car insurance went thro the security line (this time my stuff dident fall out) and thinking O the line wont be long because the line to get into the place isent long we are there waiting in the want to be DMV line want to be that is not 4xs longer. So in the mean time sicne we are most likly going to wait 1hr or so my boyfriend takes me 3 floors up into the jurry dutie room (BTW packed full) and validates his parking ticket were he crashed his car (so im thinking Cool one thing we wont have to pay right) go back down stairs im nuber R346 and what number are they now on R289. We finally got called up, the ladie tells use we gotta pay $256 and we tell her we want to see the judge she says he closes in 10 minutes you might be able to catch him if you dont you have 10 days to see him. And since cory is already annoyed he says screw it we will come back another day. We get to the car and he dident hit the wall one more time while we are leaving, Thank God, we show the person and the both to collect the money for the time you were there and she says sorry we do not accept these validations any more those are for the parking place down the street and is charging me $9. Im at home now Doing Corys home work now so he can go to class and get good grades. How I love My Window Licker......
BTW Bri tell more people to read my blogs I feel like a loser only having you read them. Untell next time this is Rebecca looking at my wonderfull view of THE TRAILER PARK

The Apartment

So looking out all my windows of my new apartment i have a beautiful view of a trailer park......
the walls are  blue the carpet is blue and my favorite color is blue and this is to much blue and its an ugly blue i havent un packed and im not planing to soon lol this is crazy its in the getto i sleep with a sword next to my bed all the time i get so freaked out