Infertility!!!!!!

I will be writing a paper in school about my fertility problems. I'm excited to speak about it to my class mates. I have gone through a lot with infertility; the ups, the down, the wants, the needs, the tears, and the fights. My husband always tells me he does not want kids to make me feel better. I hear his family ask about kids and he just says we do not want them yet. I always feel like its my fault we do not have a child. I feel at blame. A few days after the doctor told be I was infertile I got a blessing in my church. I was told in this blessing that I will have as many children as I want and that my husband will care for and help many children. I feel like the blessing was there to comfort me in a time of need but it holds no truth to me now. I put all my hope into the words of a man that does not even know my name. Yes I am questioning my church and the message behind it. I feel like God would not give my husband and I such heart ache when he gives others such joy. When a mother tells me how much she hopes that her second child is not such a screw up it makes me wonder why? I never get an answer to the questions I ask and I do not get the support from the supposed people that love me. I am lossing faith in my fight to have the family I want.

My down spiral!!!!

So lately I have been having a tough time with dealing. Last night I got drunk and text an ex boyfriend. My husband was really mad and hasn't talked to me. When I woke up this morning I was very low and angry so I cut myself to feel better. I thought of ending my life and I kinda tried. I have been very depressed and angry as myself lately. Something in my head is telling me everything would be better if I wasn't around and I believe it is true. My husband told me to delete my facebook which I did. He said all the bad thoughts and feeling are because of facebook. But now I feel alone. Like I have no one and nothing but school. School has also been hard. I decided I would work ahead and now people are making fun of me for it because I am so far ahead. Saying I'm a kiss ass and a brown noser. I don't get it I wanted to go ahead because I understood it and wanted to get it over with. I can never do anything right and I get overwhelmed and I break down. I feel broken, usless, and alone. I'm looking in to getting help but my husband doesn't think it would help, but I feel like I need it. This is me lossing it but hopefully I can keep it together.

Cruise

Pictures from the cruise. you can just see how happy we are

Christmas

So this Christmas has by far been the worst.

Cory and I celebrated Christmas on the cruise ship the begging of the month so we had a great time.

When Cory got home this year his family were telling me how they think he needs help for his drinking. My husband drink 3-4 days a month and only about 2-4 beers a day. I do not see that as a drinking problem. Everything turned for the worse when Cory told me that he no longer wants children because he doesn't want to be like his father. We were fighting so we left the house to talk about it privately. The next day (Christmas Eve) his sister asked me about the fight and said that I was in the wrong for swearing in front of our four year old nephew. If it is such a problem maybe I shouldn't be watching him anymore. My husband and I told her it was none of her businesses what we were fighting about. Then this morning the family was getting ready to go to Utah. Cory and I decided not to go so we could spend Christmas together and we are both angry with some of his family members and did not wish to spend three hours in a car with people we did not want to talk to. Cory's youngest sister brought up how Cory and I are trying to get pregnant because I'm jealous of my sister having a baby. I got very upset and went to my room crying. I am jealous that my sister has a child and I don't but that is not the full reason why I got so upset. Cory and I had a plan that when I finished school in a year we would start fertility treatments and hopefully get pregnant. It was extremely upsetting when he told me the day before Christmas Eve that he would not want to be a father or ever have children. My sister in law bringing up us having children really upset me and my husband handled it for now. I know it will happen again and I know I will become upset again so Cory has already told me that when we move out we may end up cutting some of them out of our lives. I'm fine with that. I grew up not speaking to my fathers family so I believe it will be fine to cut some people out. Now that the family is gone and Cory's friend is over I'm calmer and in a happier place. My husband does not have a drinking problem and we are both happy and healthy with our lives now. We are still working on the child issue but it is a private matter that we will deal with as so. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving and I am very thankful for a lot in my life but today has been horriable. First off my sister in law should not be bringing up how much I want a baby and how I have been struggleing with a fake pregnancy. I am having a very tough time and she is not helping. Then my nephew comes down stairs in the same clothes I put him in on Tuesday like realy you couldn't change your son or give him a bath. I was the last one to give him a bath and that was on Monday. You are a horriable mother. I'm thankful that my husband could be home but I'm still mad that he told his sister about my pregnancy symtems. I don't want to and I shouldn't have to deal with this. I am not a mother even tho I would like to be so I shouldn't have to take care of your child. I am not a slave and should not be treated like one. I can't wait for today to be over.

Future

I never thought I would be happy to say that I got my period. The first thing that came to mind when I saw the blood was Oh I might ovulate this month. We are hoping to get pregnant before April so we can have a winter baby. We have had no luck but we don't want to start the fertility drugs. We know that God wants us to get pregnant. I was given a calling in my church to teach nursery. I know in my heart that it was God telling me it is time for us to get pregnant. We are extremely excited to welcome our new niece and nephew in the next month. We are so blessed to have so many young children in our family already but we feel like it is our turn to be blessed with our own bundles of joy. It is hard to tell anyone because my husbands family have such an easy time getting pregnant that they don't understand it is very hard when your own body is not helping. I'm going to speak with my OB in two weeks about getting more blood work done. Which if you know me is not an easy thing. I don't like talking to people about my problem or if I do I lie and say that I'm happy or fine with it, but I'm not. Cory wants a child and I always feel like its my fault he doesn't have any children yet. We are on the positive side of things though and it will only get better.    

grr this totally made me mad

so i was on this site called soulcysters.net well i logged on today cuz ive been feeling down and the ppl in charge of it banned me from posting anything like wtf they didnt even say why i was banned like fuck off im not in the mood to be nice and deal with it. i think its dumb cuz i always went on there to see if anyone has ever gone through what i did but now i cant like grrrrrrrrrrrrrr