Christmas

So this Christmas has by far been the worst.

Cory and I celebrated Christmas on the cruise ship the begging of the month so we had a great time.

When Cory got home this year his family were telling me how they think he needs help for his drinking. My husband drink 3-4 days a month and only about 2-4 beers a day. I do not see that as a drinking problem. Everything turned for the worse when Cory told me that he no longer wants children because he doesn't want to be like his father. We were fighting so we left the house to talk about it privately. The next day (Christmas Eve) his sister asked me about the fight and said that I was in the wrong for swearing in front of our four year old nephew. If it is such a problem maybe I shouldn't be watching him anymore. My husband and I told her it was none of her businesses what we were fighting about. Then this morning the family was getting ready to go to Utah. Cory and I decided not to go so we could spend Christmas together and we are both angry with some of his family members and did not wish to spend three hours in a car with people we did not want to talk to. Cory's youngest sister brought up how Cory and I are trying to get pregnant because I'm jealous of my sister having a baby. I got very upset and went to my room crying. I am jealous that my sister has a child and I don't but that is not the full reason why I got so upset. Cory and I had a plan that when I finished school in a year we would start fertility treatments and hopefully get pregnant. It was extremely upsetting when he told me the day before Christmas Eve that he would not want to be a father or ever have children. My sister in law bringing up us having children really upset me and my husband handled it for now. I know it will happen again and I know I will become upset again so Cory has already told me that when we move out we may end up cutting some of them out of our lives. I'm fine with that. I grew up not speaking to my fathers family so I believe it will be fine to cut some people out. Now that the family is gone and Cory's friend is over I'm calmer and in a happier place. My husband does not have a drinking problem and we are both happy and healthy with our lives now. We are still working on the child issue but it is a private matter that we will deal with as so. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving and I am very thankful for a lot in my life but today has been horriable. First off my sister in law should not be bringing up how much I want a baby and how I have been struggleing with a fake pregnancy. I am having a very tough time and she is not helping. Then my nephew comes down stairs in the same clothes I put him in on Tuesday like realy you couldn't change your son or give him a bath. I was the last one to give him a bath and that was on Monday. You are a horriable mother. I'm thankful that my husband could be home but I'm still mad that he told his sister about my pregnancy symtems. I don't want to and I shouldn't have to deal with this. I am not a mother even tho I would like to be so I shouldn't have to take care of your child. I am not a slave and should not be treated like one. I can't wait for today to be over.

Future

I never thought I would be happy to say that I got my period. The first thing that came to mind when I saw the blood was Oh I might ovulate this month. We are hoping to get pregnant before April so we can have a winter baby. We have had no luck but we don't want to start the fertility drugs. We know that God wants us to get pregnant. I was given a calling in my church to teach nursery. I know in my heart that it was God telling me it is time for us to get pregnant. We are extremely excited to welcome our new niece and nephew in the next month. We are so blessed to have so many young children in our family already but we feel like it is our turn to be blessed with our own bundles of joy. It is hard to tell anyone because my husbands family have such an easy time getting pregnant that they don't understand it is very hard when your own body is not helping. I'm going to speak with my OB in two weeks about getting more blood work done. Which if you know me is not an easy thing. I don't like talking to people about my problem or if I do I lie and say that I'm happy or fine with it, but I'm not. Cory wants a child and I always feel like its my fault he doesn't have any children yet. We are on the positive side of things though and it will only get better.    

grr this totally made me mad

so i was on this site called soulcysters.net well i logged on today cuz ive been feeling down and the ppl in charge of it banned me from posting anything like wtf they didnt even say why i was banned like fuck off im not in the mood to be nice and deal with it. i think its dumb cuz i always went on there to see if anyone has ever gone through what i did but now i cant like grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

14 Years

So it has been 14 years since my dad passed. I've been thinking about him a lot lately. I have a wonderful mother who has made growing up with out a dad easy. I miss him every day. Having my father in law is a constant reminder of not growing up with a dad. It sucks sometimes not knowing a lot about him but sometimes its a good thing because I don't know the bad or the good. I wish Cory was here to make me feel better but he isn't so it sucks....

I'm proud

When Cory and I first found out I had PCOS we only told family and I was ashamed to tell other people. I saw it as something was wrong with me. Now I am fine with telling people and it does not bother me. Sometimes when I see people who just had babies or who are pregnant I do get a little upset but not very much anymore. Many people in my life are pregnant or having babies right now and I'm so happy for them. I wish I could be pregnant and Cory and I are trying but its hard because we dont have the support that most people have. Cory's family supports us in trying and so does my sister and brother in law. But my mother and grandparents tell me I am to young to start trying and that we need to wait. My doctor recently told me that the longer we wait the less chance of getting pregnant I have. It was a very hard choice to make and my family doesn't understand that Cory and I have talked about it and we are adult and can choice what to do about our family and our future. Our future depends on the two months I plan to spend on the truck with Cory. If I like it our plans for a family will be put on hold for a couple of years. If I do not like it I will stay with my in laws and begin taking the fertility drugs and go to school. We are not positive which path we will take but we do know that no matter what we will have a family with in three years and we will stick together no matter what. I think that because my mothers marriage ended after she had me that she thinks once I start having kids Cory and I will be over. My family is the most important thing to me and my family is me and Cory right now I would love to add more but if we can not for awhile then we will deal with it but for now we are strong and I am fighting.

Brianna

I don't think I tell my sister enough how much of a hero she is to me. I love her and look up to her so much. When I found out I had PCOS she was the only one I could talk to. I tell her everything. She is the strongest and sweetest person I know. We fought as kids and grown to be friends. I love her and wish her the best of luck on her pregnancy. I know she will be the best mother to her child.

This week has been very strange

So it started with my husband being home Monday and Tuesday. He left Wednesday and for the first time I didn't cry. Then Thursday I went to a new OB went really good found out some new things and I really liked him. Now on to Friday first I have to tell you, on Monday I started facebook messaging my cousin on my dads side Ricky I have never met him and didn't even know of him till I asked my mom, Friday we talked on the phone and to my suprise he feels the same way about Dick and Lola (my fathers dad and step mom) as I do. He has also been looking up the family just like I have. I learned some things that I never knew and I'm glad I talked to him. Cory and I have decided that we are going to start trying to get pregnant. I booked a bus ticket to OK to see my sister in law and her kids. Its been a very good week but it has also been kinda strange. I'm going to the doctor on Monday to get my ingrown toe nails fixed and I'm not even the scared because its just three little needles and then no pain ever again. Even though I'm super afraid of needles I can do this. I know my life isn't perfect but its alot better then it could of been. Thinking and talking about my dad today wasn't hard at all I feel like I'm finally coming to peace about him not being in my life. I think my life would be a lot different if he lived. I'm glad I have my husband for support even if he can't be here all the time. I know I'm loved and no matter what I do or say I will always have people who care about me and want me to be happy. So thats what I'm going to do. I'm just going to be happy! :)

PCOS

So I found out I have PCOS on Oct 26, 2011. I've been having a hard time with it. One of my sister in laws just had a handsome little boy and my other sister in law is pregnant. I'm not saying I want a baby right now because me and Cory are not ready for a baby. But I would rather now that I can get pregnant any time I want to. Not that I need to be on fertility pills and treatments for the rest of my life to keep my hormones balanced. I put on a good happy face around my in laws because I am happy that my sister in law just had a baby and that the other one is pregnant. But like why cant I have that option and I dont need people telling me to relax or loss weight. I'm happy how I am I just wish I didn't have PCOS. Because its not fun to have periods with a mind of there own. And it sucks that I can grow fecal hair if my hormones freak out. I can't loss weight without a doctors help because of the PCOS. And no matter what people tell me I don't think that if I get a blessing and pray to God I'll be able to get pregnant no problem. And I love my family to death but come on I really don't want you to tell me that you don't think I have PCOS. Cory was in the doctors room with me when she told me and he still believes its all in my head. Like blood test don't lie you idiot. If you don't believe that I have PCOS that's fine but keep your opinions to your self. Every time I get my period I cry and its not even because I want to be pregnant. But with the PCOS and the depression I constantly cry when I'm on my period and all Cory does is act like its not a big deal and that I can deal with it. He isn't even home any more and it just makes the depression worse that he isn't home but every time I tell him he laughs and says I just need to relax. I feel like I have no support and it really sucks. I really needed to get this all out and I have no one to talk to because I feel like no one understands how I'm feeling.